Our children mean the world to us. They are the lights of our life, the blessings we give thanks for. But, in many divorce cases, children can also be the source of the parties’ most contentious issues. Custody, healthcare and vaccinations, visitation, religious practices, extra-curricular activities, and college tuition are all regularly a source of conflict.

And in those cases, both parents believe that they’re right. When they can’t reach an agreement, parents often think that getting the child “on their side” would be helpful or help them win. But in many cases, this can be more harmful than helpful.

The American Bar Association New Jersey Chapter of the Association of Family and Conciliation courts created the “Children’s Bill of Rights,” which is a guideline that outlines what is appropriate and inappropriate for parents to do during a divorce and even afterwards. While it isn’t a law, many attorneys and courts incorporate these rights into agreements and orders in family court because the truth of the matter is this: No child should ever be used as a weapon in divorce. There are many versions of the Children’s Bill of Rights with slightly different wording, but the gist of the guidelines are this:

1. A Child has the right to know that their parents’ divorce is not their fault.
2. A Child has the right to know that it is not their responsibility to keep their parents together.
3. A Child has the right to be treated as important and separate human beings with their own unique feelings, needs, wants, and ideas and to not be treated as if they exist solely for the gratification of their parents’ needs.
4. A Child has the right to not be asked to choose sides between their parents or to have to participate in games parents play to hurt one another.
5. A Child has the right to not be told the details of their parents’ legal proceedings or cases.
6. A Child has the right to not be told critical or negative statements about the other parent’s behavior or actions. This should also extend to grandparents, other family members, friends or significant others.
7. A Child has the right to always have privacy and confidentiality when communicating with either parent by telephone, text or email.
8. A Child has the right to never be cross-examined by one parent after spending time with the other parent.
9. A Child has the right to never be asked to be, or seen as, a messenger from one parent to the other.
10. A Child has the right to always be able to express their feelings, whatever those feelings may be, as well as the right to choose not to express certain feelings.
11. A Child has the right to not be made to feel guilty for loving both parents.
12. A child has the right to continue secure relationships with both parents and to give and receive expressions of love, affection, and care from both parents.
13. A Child has the right not to be pressured or influenced by anyone concerning their opinion of either parent.
14. A Child has the right to be permitted to display photographs of either or both parents in their room and shall be permitted to retain and display any cards or presents given by either parent.
15. A Child has the right to not be told or encouraged to be disrespectful or disobedient to the other parent, stepparent, or relatives.
16. A Child has the right to the most adequate level of economic support that can be provided from both parents.
17. A Child has the right to remain a child and not be asked to take on adult problems, pressures, and responsibilities.

When emotions and tensions are high, it can be tempting to listen in to your child’s phone call with the other parent, ask them details about what went on at the other parent’s house, or even point out how you are the better parent and how the other has fallen short. Those behaviors eventually create a rift between the child and that other parent and while it may be helpful to you in the short term, it is damaging to the child long-term mentally and emotionally. A child should be free to decide how they feel about each parent in their own time and on their own terms.

This language or something similar can be added into your marital settlement agreement that is signed by both parties at the time of the divorce. It can also be added into an amended agreement or post-judgment Order if needed in appropriate cases. We ask that parents truly consider how a divorce or separation will impact their children, and to put their children’s needs and interests first.

At our firm, we will always be advocates for your children.