What is it?

Parental alienation is the process by which one parent tries to cause a child to reject, fear, or avoid contact with the other parent. This is usually done intentionally, where the parent conveys through words, actions, or behaviors, that the “other parent” is dangerous, unsafe, abusive, or “bad,” which results in the child becoming scared of and avoiding that other parent. 

“Parental alienation syndrome” was coined by child psychiatrist Richard Garner in 1985 and he described it as a “denigration that is unjustified and/or exaggerated” because of one parent’s conscious, subconscious, or unconscious behaviors that affect the child’s perception of the other parent. 

The medical community officially rejects parental alienation as a “syndrome” and this term is not listed in the DSM-5. That means the term “parental alienation” is debated and carries varying weight with different attorneys, social workers, judges, and other legal professionals. However, the set of similar behaviors are widely understood and are sometimes referred to by different terms such as “gatekeeping” the children or “coaching” them. 

How do I prove it?

Proving these behaviors can be tricky because it can be hard to prove that they are a result of a parent’s actions. Sometimes even if it can be proven, it can be difficult to find a real solution to the issue.

If you are accused of being the alienator, ask the other parent to describe the specific actions, words, or behaviors they have seen you use that make them think you are alienating the child. There are some cases where the actions are subconscious and not intentional. If that is the case, it is certainly something you want to work on to improve. Parental alienation can have a significant negative impact on children, including anxiety, depression, self-esteem problems, identity issues, and emotional distress. 

If you are being alienated by the other parent, start documenting everything you can and consider enrolling your child in therapy. Keep a journal of things the child tells you, because with alienation it is crucial to show a pattern. For example, if every time the child is with you he/she is happy and mentions how they enjoy their time with you, but a few days after they are back home with the alienating parent the child expresses reluctance to visit with you again, that is something to note. Maybe the child who has always loved spending time with both of you, now exclaims that they only want to live with the alienating parent. Note that - when did the child say it? Who was around? What was the child’s demeanor when he/she said it? Details are important. In addition to documentation, therapy is very helpful. It is not likely that most therapists will testify as there is a patient-doctor confidentiality relationship with them and the child, but they can not only help your child navigate their feelings towards you, but they can also help the child identify the difference between real fears and imposed/imaginary fears. If a child custody expert ever has to get involved with your case, the therapist can help them truly see if the child is being alienated and the impact that it is having on the child. If the alienation is severe, you may want to speak with one of our attorneys about filing a motion to modify parenting time to reduce the amount of time your child spends with the alienating parent. 

While it can be painful and even draining, an important way to stop or combat parental alienation is to work to maintain a positive relationship with the alienating parent as best you can. Even more important is the continuance of your loving and positive relationship with the child. Make sure that the child feels safe with you, and don’t try to retaliate by painting the alienating parent in a bad light. This only forces the child into a corner, making him or her feel like they have to choose, and it often exacerbates the emotional damage the child suffers. Parenting classes, therapy, and the Court can help.

Ultimately, with intervention and support, parental alienation can be reversed. It usually requires counseling, therapy, and/or mediation to help rebuild the relationship between the child and the “other parent.”

Is it ever justified?

Parental alienation is common in high conflict divorce cases where one or both parents dislike each other but that doesn’t make it justified.

There are very narrow cases where there may be valid reasons for one parent to prevent or limit contact with the other parent, such as in situations of abuse. 

This “gatekeeping” behavior crosses the line into parental alienation territory when the parent is not keeping the child away for the child’s safety, but is doing so solely due to their disdain for the other parent. In those situations, there is no risk of harm to the child and the other parent has not done anything to cause a negative reaction from the child. Some examples include:

• Blaming the other parent for splitting up the family
• Removing all photographs and mementos related to the other parent and refusing to talk about them
• Questioning the children after they have spent time with the other parent, and expressing disapproval at the other parent’s behavior
• Extreme inflexibility with the parenting plan as a pretext to deny the other parent time with the child
• Displays of sadness or anguish every time the child leaves to spend time with the other parent, to guilt the child about parenting time with the other parent
• Constantly mentioning the other parent’s flaws and negative attributes
• Constantly interrupting or inserting oneself into the other parent’s parenting time (showing up at sporting events, calling 911 with false reports, contacting the child excessively, secret cell phones, etc.)

In cases of unjustified gatekeeping, the children are typically unable to fully express why they dislike the other parent, and often resort to “parroting” or repeating the things they have heard or been told. 

In a 2020 study published in the Journal of Social Welfare and Family Law (access here), it was found that:

• When mothers had custody of the children and kept them away from the father, fathers who claimed alienation were able to take custody away from mom 44% of the time. 
• When fathers had custody of the children and kept them away from the mother, mothers were only able to take custody away from fathers 28% of the time. 
• Summarily, when claiming alienation, fathers were overall much more likely to win than mothers. 
• Even when mothers claimed abuse, if fathers responded with claims of alienation, the mothers were 2x as likely to lose custody than when fathers did not claim alienation. 
  • When the father’s abuse was proven, mothers who claimed alienation still lost custody 13% of the time.
  • Conversely, proven abuse by a mother only led to fathers losing custody 4% of the time if the fathers claimed alienation. 

Overall, it is in your best interest to act quickly to counteract the narrative of parental alienation if you have been accused of it, particularly if you are the mother. 

What do courts do when they encounter alienation?

The courts can handle this in a variety of ways. Often the court will order family therapy, reunification therapy, individual therapy, or a combination of them. The court may also include language in your parenting agreement that prevents either parent from speaking poorly about the other to the child. Parenting classes are commonly administered requirements as well. 

In some cases, not all, the court may adjust the parenting time arrangement to allow the other parent to have more time with the child to improve their relationship. This depends on a lot of factors, a main one being the time already allocated to each parent. 

Conclusion

If you suspect your child is being alienated from you, it is important to act as swiftly as possible. It is possible that even with all the legal and therapeutic intervention in the world, the alienating parent will not stop their behaviors. For this reason and more, therapy is imperative to help the child efficiently work through their feelings in as healthy a way as possible.